Every single time I talk about Jesus, I cry. I get that overwhelming I cant hold it in feeling and tears just flow. Worship songs, sermons, just the thought of all the things God has done in all of our lives, my eyes fill with tears. Our tears are full of the past, the present and the future. Either my lacrimal glands, over my eyes, are overproducers, my pons that is part of the brainstem relays too many messages to my lacrimal system or most likely, its because I feel everything on a deep level beyond my own thoughts really because of the life God has carried me through.
Whatever it may be, I could cry at any moment and for the most part they aren’t sad tears, but tears of gratitude. Once you go through suffering and struggles and get through them stronger, there is a deep level of gratitude and strength with understanding that you didn’t get through any of this on your own. It’s all far beyond ourselves and something that I even living in it can’t wrap my head around or explain.
There was a time when I would try to hold back tears that would just automatically develop in my eyes because I didn’t want others to think I was sad. When I studied the book of John that tells us about Jesus weeping with Mary and Martha when their brother and Jesus’ friend, Lazarus had passed away, I learned that there is purpose in our crying. This is where I found freedom in knowing that no matter what others thought or saw, if Jesus could weep and feel the level of sadness He felt, it was like Jesus was handing me a permission slip to sign and return that I too could weep through this trip of life.
The shortest verse in the bible from John11:35, “Jesus wept,” has carried me through much grief in my life. You will hear people ask, what is your life verse and most will say, John 3.16 “For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” This verse was and is a huge part of my testimony as I journeyed to understand God’s love for all of us and what God did to save all of us. Then one day, you wake up and find yourself feeling far from the green pastures (Psalm 23.2) and treading through unknown territory in a valley. This is when other verses seep in and they too become part of the life verse collection that continuously points you in the direction that God has you on towards Him.
My journey led me to weeping pretty early on in life. Right when I was trying to figure out high school as a fifteen year old, my seeking God and His love for us in John 3.16 took a pivot to a deeper understanding of what Jesus walked through in his short 33 years as a human. Jesus lived and loved. Jesus was busy while on earth, but never hurried. Jesus healed. Jesus suffered saving us all and Jesus wept. I think when we get lost in our own suffering, we need to read about Jesus’s life and when life is going smoothy and full of joy we need to read about Jesus’s life.
When I think of Jesus weeping for Lazarus, his friend on earth, I imagine him weeping with all of us. I read scripture on how he handled the news that his friend was sick and when he heard the news that he had passed. How he comforted his friends when he too was weeping that Lazarus was gone. Even though I know the ending here, I try to read scripture like I haven’t read the story of Lazarus thousands of times. I pray, God give me fresh eyes to see how Jesus suffered and wept while he sat in the grief with his friends and family. I think Jesus gave them all space to be in their grief, even though He knew by God’s power he would bring Lazarus back to life. I think in the wait of the grief and the delay of the miracle, as Lazarus lay dead, Jesus was patient and steady allowing the weeping and loss to be felt on a deeper level so that God would be glorified even more. Jesus knew God’s power was going to raise Lazarus, but He wept with them. Jesus also knew what was coming beyond the raising of Lazarus back to life. He knew this miracle would set in motion the events leading to His own suffering, death and resurrection.
As a fifteen year old I wept not understanding the why for my brother’s passing, but felt an even deeper sense of hope that never left me. I remember my grief was so heavy throughout high school, but there was always this quiet presence that spoke over me keeping me steady. As a twenty-eight year old, working full time, distracted with life, I wept and surrendered to God praying for Him to show me the way in which He had for me. Not fully understanding, but fully trusting Jesus is the way, the truth and the life this is when I decided in my suffering and in my joy that I couldn’t hold either of these on my own. So, I chose and still choose daily to give it all to Jesus again and again. And now as a forty-three year old still weeping with heaviness some days, most days my weeping is because of God’s faithfulness and steady hand that has been on me through the long run, the things seen and the things unseen. As Charles Spurgeon says it so well, “So the Lord speaks of things, not as they seem to be, nor even as they are in the present moment, but as they shall be in the long run.
The long run, the long waits, and delays that we hold onto lead us down paths that aren’t easy. Probably paths that we wouldn’t choose if we knew all the details of suffering and pain that we would have to go through, but looking past the unknowing there is God holding it all and reminding us that He gave His only son, Jesus, to suffer for all of us because He loves us. And the big difference here is that Jesus knew exactly what His suffering was going to look like, to feel like and He still chose that path of suffering for all of us.
Jesus is different. Jesus lived well, He loved well, He suffered well, and He died the most brutal death and then, by God’s power, He was raised back to life three days later just as He said He would do. He did all of this for all of us to be saved eternally. He defeated death on the cross and If we miss Jesus and the resurrection, we miss everything.
By studying and trusting God’s word it puts suffering, trials and grief on a different timeline than what this world tells us. It all hinges on our response and surrender to God. You get to a point where you know things are happening within you and around you that you can’t explain and then you realise, the one that created you lives within you. There is a perspective shift and a supernatural transformation that quietly and slowly happens within you and through you in your suffering. The Holy Spirit fills you beyond what you knew could be possible and somehow, by God’s power reveals to you that whatever suffering you have walked through had purpose for His kingdom. What looks like twenty- eight years of grief and suffering here on earth without my brother being physically here, now feels more like twenty-eight years of God closely teaching us how to live well, how to love well and how to suffer well. It’s here in the suffering that God lets us in on the pain and His plan He has for us in the long run. In the seen and unseen, the present moments and the future, God holds the space for us to learn that what appeared to the eye to be a dead end was actually a cul-de-sac rounding us about and leading us back to Him.
The in-between time, somewhere between heaven and earth is where we live as loved ones have passed on without us. Our day count is much longer than Mary and Martha’s day count without their brother, but I think it is important how we live within these in-between times. The time we have while we wait for Jesus’ return all matters. We follow, we obey, we trust, we love and we weep when we need to.
So next time you need a good cry, sad or joyful tears, remember Jesus wept for all of us knowing what we would experience and walk through long before we were even born. And as He wept for all of us, He was preparing to suffer and crawl to the cross to save all of us and defeat death forever. It all has eternal purpose and until the day when Jesus returns and God’s promise in Revelation 21:4 that says, “God will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” becomes visually fulfilled, we will not allow our tears to be wasted but remain in Him and trust that He will bless all who believe in Him.
‘Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” Psalm 126:5-6
All glory to God.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46.1
