August 18, 2024
TAP TO PLAY
The day that God completely shifted my perspective was on August 18, 1997. Twenty-seven years ago God took my family and shifted everything. The way that we thought, the way that we looked at life, the way that we lived in each moment, the way that eternity felt so near. It was like we shifted into living somewhere between heaven and earth with a blink of an eye and no matter if we wanted it that way or not, God shifted all of us. It wasn’t on this day that I knew the shift was happening, but as I can now look back more clearly, it was the day that what felt like the worst moment of our lives that God was transforming all of us into who He had called us to be. It took time and years to understand that who I was before my brother, Sean, passed away was not the same person I would be after he passed away. There was no going back and no way to change what happened to him and to all of us on that August morning. But after years of grieving his passing, I can now clearly see that when he left this earthly world, he left me and many of us with a gift that slowly unfolds itself with each year that goes by without him here and that is the gift of perspective. It sounds so odd to say and sometimes brings guilt in with it, but both Sean’s life and his passing changed all us, not for the better because life would definitely feel better if he was still physically here with us, but it changed us in ways that only death can do. His passing keeps me focused on the good in the world and brings me through the hard things much quicker. It’s hard to sweat the small things when you know death this closely. It doesn’t make you blind to the bad that happens around you and to you, but it makes it easier to see through the bad and into the good. Sean’s short life on earth and his passing had more purpose than I could ever know this side of heaven. I believe all that knew him closely would say, his life and his death changed their perspective on how they want to live and to see the world. A gift that keeps giving long after someone is gone from this earth could only be from God.
Sean’s life shaped me for the better and his death brought clarity to life’s purpose which led me into a deeper relationship with God. It is hard to be upset with our suffering when it leads us into a closer relationship with God. As true and as beautiful as that all sounds, there are still many days that I feel like I am hanging on by a thread within my grief and pain, but its there in that pain I am reminded that the thread I am hanging onto is the thread of Jesus’ garment. The thread that reminds me that God is close and that the unseen to some can be seen when I keep my focus on God. The days when I just want to chat with Sean, to remember the sound of his voice and tell him all about what life has held for all of us is when God shows up and reveals that Sean is so close to us. I feel his spirit near through the big moments and in the details of daily life. I have the calmest sense of peace from God in the moments that He allows me to glance at the clock multiple times a day with thirty-four being the minutes. Going to a restaurant with the waiter being one of the kindest people and then noticing his name tag says Sean, spelt the same way his is – S.E.A.N. There are moments when Sean feels so near and then through the stages of grief, there are some days when it all seems unbearable that he’s been gone this long from earth. Our loved ones presence can be felt through people we know or people that we barely know reminding us we are all connected through our Heavenly Father and that through the beauty and love of others we can be reminded of the beauty our loved ones carry within their souls forever.
When we go through suffering and what can feel almost impossible to walk through, there are choices we face. We can suffer in our sorrows ignoring what God is teaching us through what happened. This choice keeps us stuck in our own ways ignoring the possibilities of what God has for us. Or we can suffer in our sorrows looking beyond ourselves and be open to receiving what God is teaching us through the suffering we endure. This choice leads us to be who He created us to be from the very beginning of His plan.
I would never choose to lose my brother when I was fifteen years old, but that was God’s plan to take Sean from this earth when he was nineteen years old. I think when I could finally understand that I am not supposed to understand any of what happened on that day twenty-seven years ago, it allowed me to find some beauty in what God was doing. I was free from trying to wrap my head around God’s plan. His plan is the only plan that matters and trusting Him fully is what I was called to do. I stand firm on His plan because I know He knows best. This clarity that eventually led to peace took time and years of going through all the stages of grief over and over through daily life. I’ve been through all of them so many times, that I think my body knows what part of the grief cycle I am in before my brain is able to catch up. With every different stage one thing stays true throughout and it is that God is in control of all of it. The freedom in not needing to know all the answers because I know God knows them has passively given me the perspective that I do not need to ask why this or that happened but I am to trust that he knows the why. Knowing that there is purpose beyond my unanswered prayers allows me to trust He holds all the answers, sees the plan through no matter how it looks to us, and He is working all things together in His timing. Although it still hurts, I know God holds the pain with me. Although it may appear that death temporarily won, I trust God defeated death through Jesus on the cross and that is the ultimate victory.
Faith in God is strengthened through our suffering so when the trials do come at us, hold on to His promises and remember God is working in and through you. There is a perspective shift within your own being when we are able to focus outside of ourselves. We begin to see, without seeing, the bigger picture no matter our circumstances of how God is working in and through all of us, living people and the ones who have passed on before us.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11.1
Knowing and fully believing that He controls it all keeps me at peace that is beyond my understanding. It shifts my why did this happen into what can I do to help others because this happened. To help others see His glory. To help others know His way is The way. To share His love because His love saved us all.
Every part of the grief cycle still hurts and it always will. Don’t let anyone tell you the pain will go away because it doesn’t, but it will shift and transform you into who you are if you allow it to. I think as we live and move through the cycle of grief, God has us where we are and walks us through what we are feeling for reasons we will not know just yet. But it’s there in the details of our suffering and pain that He is unfolding what he has for us, shaping our being into what only He could do and we are to believe Him, to trust Him and to surrender fully to Him. When I am able to sit patiently where God has me in my grief then I am able to fully see His spirit and power working within me allowing me to visually see His love and grace cover me.
Again, we are not supposed to fully understand any of this, but this is where twenty-seven years of grief has me and I can honestly say, I know when hard things happen to people, God is still working all things for our good no matter how much we have to suffer in it.
Happy heaven day big brother. We all miss you and thank you for being part of our eternal perspective shift that feels like a gift that we are able to unwrap slowly with each day God allow us to be here.
You are loved.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46.1
