At the Kitchen Counter

Today on February 11th 2019 I gave Conrad a bottle. Just like a normal day of giving him a bottle, but in the last two days Conrad at 7 months has been holding his bottle up and wanting to hold it himself. He held his bottle and I ran into the laundry room to grab the clothes out of the dryer. I came back in and noticed Conrad looked blue. I grabbed him up, patting him on the back while running to the kitchen counter where I started CPR on our 7 month old that was limp and was quickly turning even more blue in my arms. We had been here before, actually two times before. I knew this feeling all too well and will never forget the feeling of my sons choking and losing their breath in the past. Our 6 year old son choked on a piece of bacon back in 2016 that required a forceful Heimlich to retrieve the bacon in our Savannah home, at the kitchen counter. Our 4 year old choked on a crouton, turned blue and his airway remained blocked through two failed attempts of the Heimlich, that went to a life saving finger sweep by my husband retrieving the crouton while on a restaurant balcony in Savannah. We've been in this same moment before and these are moments I never want to relive, but moments as parents you relive over and over. These moments will shake you to your core and because of our faith in God, we trust and know He was close with us through all of them.

I think Conrad fell asleep while drinking his bottle and aspirated some milk in his lungs. He didn't have any food in his mouth he could have choked on, but whatever it was it felt like he was drowning right in front of my eyes. All I could say and keep repeating was Jesus in between each breath I pushed into his tiny lifeless body. My mind was racing, but it all felt like it was in slow motion like I was watching it all unfold outside of my body. After a few seconds, that felt like minutes, Conrad gasped for air and he was back with us. I shake as I type this out trying to process it all. My brain races with questions. Why did this happen? What exactly happened so we can prevent it from happening again. Then mom guilt abruptly settles in very loudly within me, I should have been right with him. The laundry can wait.... I settle back into focusing on he is back and try not to let my brain go there towards the mom guilt that the enemy wants me to wrestle with. My focus goes back to God and gratitude for His presence and His fulfilled promises to never leave us and never forsake us. He was there right there in our kitchen ever-present in times of trouble. I felt Him so near. I thank God for allowing Conrad another day and another breath.

What do people do if they do not have Jesus as their hope? What do people do if they do not know how to respond with the Heimlich or with CPR and when they are needed? My mind races with questions that lead me to wanting to share with every human first about Jesus and who He is and then second every person needs to know how to do the Heimlich and how to do CPR when they are needed.

Today God saved our baby boy right in front of my eyes in our kitchen. Today it was all God at work through me and I was able to be a vessel in knowing what to do and thinking clearly only because it was God through me and not myself. If it was up to me, I would have panicked, but it wasn't me. I want everyone to know God's power that is at work within you. I try to remember the details and the moments that flew past me while it was all happening, but none of it makes sense. It happened so fast, but felt like eternity with him struggling. None of it adds up but it all happened and I will never forget it. I didn't think about checking his pulse, but when the Heimlich failed, I started CPR. I didn't have time to think it through, but God was in it. He did it. He saved Conrad. I remember the cycle of words I said out loud, please Jesus make him breathe. Please Jesus breathe life into Conrad.

Honestly, in the moment with any human, all the codes that I have been apart of never followed the exact same protocol for what you do next, we just did what we thought would make the person live. I know there are protocols in place for reasons, but sometimes you will just never understand the why and the how. Most codes feel like an out of body experience and there is something so much bigger than ourselves holding all the control no matter what we do and do not do. God is fully in control through all things. Sometimes medical protocols are just for the medical tests because real life scenarios just sometimes do not make any sense this side of heaven.

Every day is in God's hands. Every single moment. There isn't one tiny ounce of me that doubts it. I know I didn't save Conrad today, but God allowed me to be a tiny part of it. God was there and saved him after I cried out to Him, please save him Jesus in between the breaths that we were blowing into his tiny body together. As I watched closely his chest started to rise and fall and it was immediate gratitude. There was no room for anything else, but a heart full of gratitude. I lifted Conrad off the kitchen counter and raised him up, he put his little arms around my neck and patted me with his tiny hands. I'll never forget his little pat. It was like he already knew what had just happened and was reminding me that God saved both of us through it. I promised God right after my brain was able to process Conrad's warm body against mine again that I would share this with all. I would make sure all knew it was God and His power that performed a miracle right before my eyes again.

"As you pour out your emotions in my presence, your heavy burden grows lighter." — Sarah Young

Into that night I found myself waking up just to watch Conrad's chest rise and fall. To hear him grunting and breathing. I checked his oxygen saturation levels and listened to his lungs over and over. I'm thankful for the wisdom and knowledge I had through my schooling, but it all pointed back to God and His ways.

After events like this, it is normal to replay it all. There are moments that will come back and some moments left not to remember. One thing stands firm and true that God is in control and I give Him all the glory. Every breath and every moment is a gift from God.

"We cannot reveal His love until we first experience it." — Lisa Bevere

Thank you, Lord for another day. Amen.